I’m currently on a train speeding my way through France (ed. note Poland) (ed. note Lithuania) on the way to Lithuania to go see the Eurovizija grand final and … well, I’m sort of excited. I’ll be more excited when I’m actually in the arena, watching the acts perform, and getting to see the fits of this man close up:
Ramnuas Zilnys, I hope you look as uncomfortable in jackets in person as you do on television.
Look, Eurovizija (and the dearly departed Pabandom Is Naujo) is one of my favourite National Finals, because viewers never know what to expect. This year alone, we’ve had Game of Thrones ballads, sad country twang, angry girl rock, theater kid pop, harmonic folk, harmonic folk with metal, popera, trashy Eurodance, good Eurodance, vibes-based music, and The Roop’s knees. We also had Martin, which was perhaps the biggest robbery of the National Final season.
I mean, come on. Who manages to create compelling staging out of a catchy song and a few cardboard boxes? But the fact is the relatively open nature of Eurovizija – a competition that gave high school teacher Voldermars Petersons airtime for multiple years – means that Eurofans get in on the ground floor of the fandom of these acts.
It doesn’t hurt that Lithuania is a country with no shortage of amazing musical talent. Just think at what’s shown up at Eurovizija over the past few years – Monika Liu; The Roop; Ruta Mur; Gerai Gerai; KaYra; Gabrielius Vagelis – these are artists I still listen to on regular rotation. Even supposed joke acts like Lolita Zero, Vidas Bareikis and Twosome wrap the humour in absolute bangers of tunes.
With that said, what’s on tap for this week’s National Final? Let’s go through the running order:
Aiste – We Will Rule the World
This throwback disco song is cute and inoffensive and when I saw it performed, all I could watch was the too-tall pianist, enthusiastically throwing his whole shaggy head into a performance on a too-small keyboard. Lithuania, get that man a shampoo endorsement IMMEDIATELY! I was really surprised to see it win the jury vote and come second in the televote. Then again, in this heat, I was largely reeling from the whole experience of Andrius Pojavis performing Sing Me A Hug, so I don’t remember much else of what happened. It’s cute. Focus on the pianist. You’ll probably never see him again.
Zalvarinis – Gaude Vejai
It’s like Bon Jovi’s soundtrack for Young Guns met the sweet harmonies of Heart’s Ann and Nancy Wilson and oh my god everyone reading this is too young to get any of these references. ANYWAY let’s just say that it’s folk and metal performed by two young women and some guy they met down at Guitar Centre who thought “Why not? I never get a chance to wear these hats otherwise.” I like it and I’d say that it sounds authentically Lithuanian except we’ve had similar folk-metal combos from Estonia and Norway this year. Again, let’s appreciate it for the fact that it allows people to share some things from their closet which are otherwise not getting much use.
Pluie de Cometes – Be Careful
Look, this is not a song. It’s literally just Juste Kraujeltye (of last year’s much loved Need More Fun) doing a breathy jazz-based vibe on stage while Saulius Sakavicius occassionally points a guitar at her. This performance could last for three minutes. It could last for three hours. I wouldn’t care. I’d just want to have another drink and soak up the whole atmosphere. Lithuania can’t send this to Malmo because Pluie de Cometes are simply too cool, and if they held a backstage performance, none of the other contestants would want to bother with Eurovision.
Silvester Belt – Luktelk
Silvester Belt won the first semifinal (from fourth!), and as soon as I heard this song I could see it at Eurovision. I have listened to this approximately 259 times since it was released. It is the total package. The music is incredibly catchy. The song has lyrics that invoke a dreamlike state, with an *actual justification* for the dance break written into them. And that dance break? Oh, it is great – like Gabrielius Vagelis levels of awkward gawky man dancing great. When I am not shimmying my shoulders at my desk, I am holding one leg and falling over in my apartment in an attempt to recreate it. The staging could be transferred to Malmo immediately. SEND IT, LITHUANIA!
(Note – at the time of writing this, it’s NUMBER ONE on the Spotify Top 50 for Lithuania. PLEASE LET THAT MOMENTUM MEAN SOMETHING)
VB Gang – Kaboom
Vidas Bareikis is back, baby! And I think this might be his best ever Eurovizija entrry – yes, even better than Pusvalanduko. The first time I heard this, I thought it was simplistic and dumb, and a poor ripoff of Planet of the Bass. But last week, I went back and listened to Planet of the Bass, and I don’t think it holds up to the essential concept at the heart of Kaboom – there’s a man with speed glasses; he goes so fast he can blow up; some Korean food is mentioned; and then the song speeds up while everyone does a TikTok dance.
Now, about those Korean lyrics – I’ve seen some people express discomfort with the inclusion of these lyrics, especially because they are largely nonsense about chicken noodles. I see this less as Vidas making fun of Korean people and more as trying to parody the hot musical topics of the day – which is, at this point, K-Pop. The VB Gang, with its matching outfits and dance moves, is his version of a K-Pop supergroup. Whether he is successful at this parody is up for debate, but I come down on the side that Vidas has created a song that works both as a joke and as a legitimate pop song.
Il Senso – Time
In 2019, a Lithuanian opera called Sun and Sea (Marina) won the Venice Biennale. It was a 45-minute performance, done by singers lying on a stage of sand in their bathing suits, that was about climate change. I had the chance to see it when it came to London, and was incredibly moved. It had moments of humour (like an old woman singing the ingredients on her sunscreen bottle) and moments of pathos (like an child crying when she learns the Great Barrier Reef will die, and so will she).
Il Senso’s Time is not like that opera. Il Senso’s Time is an opera where you are repeatedly getting hit in the head with hammers marked “capitalism” and “war” and (checks notes)) “encrypted spiral repetition.” There’s no doubt that Il Sense has musical talent. What they don’t have is a good lyricist. Let’s hope that the popera doesn’t blind the voters who think that their ability to sing must mean they are performing a good song.
Shower – Impossible
You know what’s impossible? It’s impossible for me to believe, in a final with a bunch of powerhouse female vocalists like Anzela and Meida and Baltos Varnos, that this band won. But Shower apparently have a lot of friends in Lithuania, because they landslided the televote, getting more than double the votes of their nearest competitors. There are people in Lithuania for whom this is clearly their jam; it is clearly not mine. I hope those people enjoy this performance on Saturday night!
Monika Marija – Unlove You Starting Tomorrow
Monika Marija does country! (This would be a bigger announcement had Beyonce not dropped two country songs less than a month later.) What does Monika Marija have going for her? Lithuania’s love for sending people named Monika to Eurovision. What doesn’t Monika Marija have going for her? Good staging, because in her semi, the staging went from greyish-to-grey. Unlove You is a lovely song, but unless she pulls something big out of the bag on Saturday, Eurovizija is breaking its Monika streak.
Walk through Fire – Queens of Roses
Remember how much fun Queens of Roses were with their catchy hook in Washing Machine? Yeah. Walk through Fire is not that, but it’s a better song overall. It’s a good entry in the pantheon of empowerment anthems, and wouldn’t be out of place on someone’s Zumba workout mix. However, it’s got no chance of winning.
The Roop – Simple Joy
The Roop are the favourites to win the contest and are closing the show. They won Pabandom Is Naujo with “On Fire” in the cursed year of 2020 (when it should have been The Drip), and easily stomped their way to another win in 2021, with the superior Discotheque. Simple Joy is…well, what is says on the tin. It’s not bombastic; it’s more like a whisper than a banger. Still, it has its charms. This song will either be one of my most loved by May, or one of my most loathed, depending on how those whistling bits end up interacting with my autism on repeated listens. I won’t be mad if it wins, but I don’t know how Eurovision viewers are going to react to a performance that starts with the image of an atom bomb exploding (even though that’s the one thing that moves this performance from the ‘overly twee’ category for me). Still, putting this one at the end doesn’t mean that voters will forget Luktelk.
Anyway, look for me in the crowd shots. I’ll be wearing my speed glasses and my sequins and giant bags under my eyes from sleep deprivation from the epic journey I took here. And when I see you, I’ll let out a giant LABAS VARAKAS!
dudepoints.fun 