What the hell was that?!?!

So after a day of post-Eurovision depression wallowing on Twitter, here are.my disjointed thoughts:

1. A FEMINIST BANGER WON!!!!!

A song that I’ve been rooting for over months actually won the competition. I am amazed and thrilled and celebrated by throwing on my Pikachu hoodie and throwing down with a bunch of people dancing in jubilation. DANCING WITH MY DOLLS TO THE MADABAKA BEAT

Of course, because I can never be 100 percent happy about anything, I was really disgruntled at the number of people who were like, “Oh, the chicken song won. It’s a joke entry.” People, I realise this might be the first time you are hearing this song, but it’s pretty clear it’s a song about women being amazing. And Waylon, you are just sour grapesy. Go sit in your mancave, okay?

2. Austria surprised everyone

1. No one in the fandom predicted that, but it was a well-deserved jury win for Cinnamon Roll Cesar Sampson. I will assume that they were focused on his honeyed voice, rather than those impressive biceps.

3. Germany what?

I guess a dead dad song people can understand the lyrics to trumps the dead dad song in a non English language. Also, in a world where Ed Sheeran regularly sells out arena tours, I should have expected this result.

4. Anger beat empathy

I am still a little salty that of the two “political” songs in the Big 5, the one with the message of empathy to refugees did worse than the one that runs through a graphic geographic litany of terror attacks. Maybe it was the staging, which gave every country a chance to see their language on the screen. Maybe it was the Albania diaspora. All I know is that I’m googling concert dates for Madame Monsieur.

5. Juries hate goth boys

Okay, maybe that’s a strong statement, but when you have a literal vampire emerging from his piano coffin to deliver a pop banger and he gets shunned by the juries, what other conclusions am I supposed to draw? Oh, that’s right – he went first and maybe juries forgot about him by the end of the night.

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