In contrast to Portugal, Armenia knows how to do a World Cup anthem correctly – involve Iveta Mukuchyan. Watch the first 30 seconds of this video:
The boots? The hair flick? The deflating of the soccer ball with a stiletto, as if to say, “Have you seen my act on stage? It’s hells more athletic than anything you do on that soccer field, and I do it all in a skintight catsuit and heels!”
This whole segment made me realize that what the World Cup needs more of is sassy badass women.
Of course, because Iveta is prepared for any eventuality, she opens her trunk and finds that she’s got workout gear and a few soccer balls. She also has twenty spandex bodysuits in every colour of the rainbow, thigh high boots, knee high boots, ankle boots, and sandals, five different wigs and her wig guy, and a Met Gala costume. I mean, even though we don’t get to see this, you KNOW it’s in there.
The song descends then into predictable sports pop anthem, with Iveta careful enough to focus on the “Ole Oles” so fans don’t have to remember a new chant.
Two minutes in, a gaggle of cheerleaders parts to reveal a character I’ve never seen before and want far more of: It’s the HOT FLAUTIST!
And for twenty seconds, he gets to wail on his flute with an amazing flute jam which would work so much better if he were able to dance and play the flute at the same time. But he can’t, so the camera just pans back and forth to make it look like he’s bouncing around. It’s a shame, because he gives great brooding glare, but since it’s a World Cup anthem we all have to be happy. Please bring this guy to the Eurovision stage where he can make brooding eye love to the camera, Armenia!
Aside from the hot flautist, this video has everything I never knew I needed from a World Cup video: a scary dog on a chain, a crust punk, product placement within the product placement, and a guy who sings most of the World Cup anthem for Armenia wearing the jersey of a completely different nation. See?
While I can’t remember a single hook from this song after listening to it, let’s be realistic – neither will any World Cup fans. So kudos to Iveta and Armenia for using all this sports sports sports as an excuse to wear metallic boots, drink a lot of beer, and hobnob with a hot flautist. That’s how you do the World Cup right.