Semifinal 1 – Late Night Takes!

Late night takes! (Not to be confused with Kjethu Tokes!)

I’m so tired and am reeling from the events of this evening, but here’s a quick rundown of the winners and losers:

WINNERS

SERHAT
San Marino’s gamble on the world’s sexiest dentist paid off in spades, as the tiny country made it to the finals for only the second time in its history. Great job to Serhat for being such a positive force in Eurovision, and I hopethe rest of the world gets on the San Marino train.

STIG RASTA
Estonia, give Stig a raise for taking a bland foreign import and turning him into a Eurovision qualifier. Victor bobbled a few notes, and the graphics looked cheesy, but the calming familiarity of Stig’s lyrics made everything okay.

THE COUNTRY OF MALAWI
Seriously, how many people are googling Lake Malawi right now and learning about the fascinating history of this landlocked southern African nation? I say this as someone who’s visited Malawi and had absolutely the best time there.

Also, now we can make jokes about how Madonna’s going to adopt Lake Malawi.

BELARUS
Fine, Belarus. I was wrong. I thought you were missing a trick by not sending Kinky Boots or the Potato Monks or that old guy with the hat. But wow, Zena’s performance absolutely blew me away. Whatever you paid those backflipping backup dancers, I’d triple it.

NEVENA
Serbia demonstrates that we should never underestimate the draw of a big-voiced woman in a big, big dress. 1990s power ballads for the win, I guess?

LOSERS:

CAPITALISM
With the Hatari win in the semifinal tonight, capitalism has taken another blow.

ZALA KRALJ
After bobbling her vocals in the semifinal jury show, I expected Zala and Gasper to be sent packing. However, Slovenia made it through, meaning that Zala has to spend yet one more performance pretending like she’s not dying for some space. Gasper, cool it already, okay? Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to keep touching her to reassure yourself she’s still there. She’s standing right next to you on stage! She’s not going anywhere!

STRAIGHT MEN
With both Darude and Oto exiting the contest in the semifinal, straight men lost their two most relatable acts of Eurovision this year. Expect them to transfer their allegiance to Victor Crone and Lake Malawi.

EUROPE
Look, Europe, as an American, I feel I need to apologise to all of you for that kiss cam. We meant it as a joke at baseball games because they can be kind of slow, you know, and never intended it to come over here and infect Eurovision. I’m really, really sorry.

TIES

ART STUDENTS
Art students had a mixed night tonight, with one performance art act making it through, and one conceptual art act falling at the final stage. Goodbye, Conan and Joao. You flew too close to the sun, but oh! what a joy it was to watch you fly.

MIKI
I felt kind of bad about Miki’s shirtless photo being displayed in the semifinal, especially when he was dressed rather conservatively, but now all of Europe knows the secret lurking behind that shirt – the best, best arms of 2019.

And now it’s nearly 3 am in Tel Aviv and I’m running out of steam for jokes, so let’s all just end the evening by once again appreciating this work of genius:

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