I don’t know how many of you spend your spare time reading medical journals, but there’s been a pretty clear consensus emerging in the academic literature: Serbia cannot win Eurovision 2021. Or, to put it more correctly – Serbia SHOULD NOT win Eurovision 2021.
Is Loco Loco a banger? YES
Are Hurricane the total package? YES
Does the song combine the best of Balkan culture with the slutpop booty drops we all love? YES
Then why shouldn’t Serbia win?
To put it mildly – have you seen these women?
Like their name suggests, Hurricane do not stop.
These three women are a vortex of club energy that would consume us all. The alcohol consumption alone would cause Europe’s cirrhosis rates to skyrocket. We simply cannot manage the level of adorable tipsiness required to keep up with these women.
Don’t believe me? This is Hurricane’s perfomance at the Spanish Pre-Party, where, as the name suggests, they are clearly pre-partying – drinking with their girls as they get ready to go out that evening. (Note: this was recorded at 3 in the afternoon)
This is Hurricane performing on weekend breakfast television, looking fresh as daisies even though we know they’ve come to the studio direct from the club:
This is Hurricane performing on a Serbian television show where there mere presence has tired out the host so much she’s needed to fan herself to recover:
And this is Hurricane performing an acoustic version which still manages to have more BPM than most uptempo songs in this year’s contest:
Can Europe keep up with these women? I mean, yes, but not without serious impacts across multiple sectors:
- Businesses would not be able to open before 11 AM due to reported hangovers
- Emergency rooms would be jammed with people who have broken their ankles trying to do these dance moves in stiletto heels
- The increase in saline spray required to get those beachy waves would drain the Atlantic Ocean
- Ironically enough, clubs would see a downturn in business because people would get so drunk at home they’d pass out before even making it out the door
Look, Serbia is great. But they’re blessed with superhuman gifts that us mortals cannot hope to replicate. For all our sakes, they cannot win Eurovision. Sorry!