Switzerland – Stones


Zibbz – they’re siblings, GET IT? – have come to Eurovision with a Coachella wardrobe and a rock song called ‘Stones’ and all of that was fine for about two months until Bulgaria released ‘Bones’, a far superior song. So now every time I say Stones, I end up singing ‘Bones’ except with ‘Stones’ substituted in it and don’t judge me, okay? I’ve been living with all of these songs playing in my head nonstop for the past month.

I think ‘hate’ is a strong word that shouldn’t apply to any Eurovision entry, because it’s really just people performing a song for three minutes and there’s nothing really hateful about that.

But with that caveat in place, I absolutely hate Zibbz. It’s like the popular kids from your high school decided to suddenly get woke and care about bullying and do so via the medium of talent show song. I’m not falling for your cheap trick of asking everyone who was ever hurt to raise their hand. THAT’S LITERALLY EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE BECAUSE WE ALL HAPPEN TO BE HUMAN BEINGS WITH FEELINGS WHO EXIST IN THIS CURRENT TRASH FIRE INTERNET UNIVERSE.

Having said all of that, the staging for Zibbz is quite good. The brother gets to show off his ability to fake play both the drums and keyboards; the sister gets to show off her ability of balancing on top of a bass drum; and they both demonstrate the correct procedure for lighting a flare if you’re ever caught on the side of a highway with a flat tire. But it’s still not enough to make me think you are anywhere near authentic.

TWITTER JOKES YOU SHOULDN’T BOTHER MAKING BECAUSE THEY’VE ALREADY BEEN DONE BETTER BY THE EUROFANDOM: All the ones about the lead singer looking like she’s a Steven Tyler tribute act.

SHOULD YOU TAKE A PEE BREAK DURING HIS PERFORMANCE: No. Hatewatch along with me!

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