Dansk Melodi Grand Prix – Preview!

Oh, Denmark’s Melodi Grand Prix final is happening this weekend?

If you hold a Grand Prix in the arctic and nobody listens, does it even happen?

That may sound pretty harsh, but it’s clear that none of these Melodi Grand Prix songs are getting much traction among the fandom.

After an exciting entry with Rasmussen’s Higher Ground, it appears that Denmark has gone back to what it knows best – blandness.

And we get it! You’re the happiest place on earth, Denmark! Everyone’s too self-actualised to seek a fleeting fame in lieu of true contentment! You simply have advanced beyond the angst and neediness required to produce a good reality talent show. We get it. We respect it. But you should really admit that you’ve evolved beyond Eurovision and just send Sweden’s runner-up each year. That would give you a good song and guarantee that you’d never win – and believe me, we don’t want you to win. Denmark is exxxxxxxxpensive!

So what do we have on tap for this year?

Simone Emilie – Anywhere

This is a beautifully performed song, with some nice vocals, and a song that actually builds to something. If there’s some interesting staging, it might go through, but it’s awfully awfully bland.

Jasmine Gabay – Kiss Like This

Jasmine has entered the requisite Fuego-esque banger in the contest. It’s…fine? There’s nothing that catchy about it, but I suppose that I could end up liking it after I listened to it about 50 times. It just seems like a paint by numbers amalgamation of what made Fuego great, with the liability of not actually being Fuego performed by Eleni Foueria.

Also, I do not get the whole ‘Latino’ thing – are you Latino? Do you like guys who are Latino? It just kills the whole vibe of the song to suddenly interject something that is now going to have me debating Latino vs. Latinx and wondering whether you asked the person in question how they might classify themselves.

Rasmus – Faartoft – Hold My Breath

Stop. Please stop. Are you telling me that Denmark has an entry titled Hold My Breath by a guy whose name is Faartoft? As in, “he faarts quite often?” My god. The jokes just write themselves.

As for his song, it’s a sweet-tinged man ballad with a bit of a sweetness about it. As a person pushing for an all-banger Eurovision, I can’t get behind this one UNLESS it means that we get to make Faartoft jokes all season, but even then, that’s not much of an incentive.

Marie Isabell – Dancing with you in My Heart

My first question – if Marie is a bell, why has she entered a singing competition? Shouldn’t she be at Eurocarillion instead? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay, to be serious – Marie has entered with Denmark’s country-pop hit, which is fine I guess? It’s catchy, largely because of all the ooooooohs, but there’s not quite enough of it to make it a coherent song. I mean, I appreiate the third act key change, but that comes after a slightly painful acoustic bit where one note just does not belong.

Sigmund – Say My Name

Jesus. Did Denmark get a bulk discount on the tinkling piano intro this year?
Anyway, Sigmund’s Say My Name is like watching a video that’s used as evidence when requesting a restraining order against a stalker, except in this case, Sigmund would be stalking himself.

I love the beat to this one, but am turned off by the naked narcissism in it. C’mon, Sigmund, that’s not an ironic duck face in the video, and we all know it. You can do better!

Humorexpressen – Droning Af Baren

It’s the requisite dansband entry of the night, meant to remind baby boomers of the songs that they enjoyed in their youth. Needless to say, it’s also completely awful. I didn’t come to Eurovision to watch Jimmy Buffet. I came to Eurovision to get my face melted off by a pyrotechnic stage show for a high tempo banger.

Also, I’m waiting for the first Eurofan who says “Droning Af Baren is Droning AF”

Julie and Nina – League of Light

I’m sorry – it’s two Greenlandic women singing a soaring stadium anthem that includes some Greenlandic language in the chorus? OH HELLS YEAH SIGN ME UP. I can’t wait to pull out my phone, turn on the flashlight, and sway side to side while I’m listening to these two fortysomething women kill it with their harmonies on stage.

Teit Samso – Step It Up

Teit, YOU are the one who needs to Step It Up. When I heard the title of your song, I was expecting a disco explosion that would come with a nifty little dance step in the middle that an entire arena could do in unison. Instead, I got something that veers from hair metal to funk to just I don’t know what. Also, from the lyrics of the song, you’re never going to get anywhere if you keep telling women that you think they better step it up. Who are you to police our behaviour. Ick.

Leeloo – That Vibe

*Sigh* I guess I like this song? Again, it’s relentlessly manufactured and sanitized pop, and all I can think about is how much it reminds me of other songs from other countries this year. For example, there’s an electronic effect in here which is remarkably like that of Mr. Unicorn in the Norwegian Melodi Grand Prix, but I find myself listening nonstop to Mr. Unicorn because it’s not just a generic song about love and music. That’s what is missing from Leeloo’s song,

Leonora – Love is Forever

Hmmm. Leonora has a beautiful voice, but boy, this is tweeeeeeeeee. She even breaks into French, the universal language of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. We’ve already had our requisite twee ukulele player this year in Estonia, but that was Inger, who was rocking the butch aesthetic and husky voice. And in comparison, I just can’t get behind Leonora.

CONCLUSION: We all want Julie and Nina. Just give us Julie and Nina. It’s been a hard year and you have a bunch of unmemorable song and we just need Julie and Nina. Thanks!

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