dudepoints investigation: INSIDE DIRT ON THE UK ENTRY

Over the past week, there’s been a flurry of activity on the interwebs about who the UK entry might be, with various artists using the secrecy around the announcement to fuel their own hamfisted publicity attempts.

But in this time of uncertainty, the crack investigative team at dudepoints has had their noses to the grindstone, working all their contacts in London’s media elite to identify the shortlist of UK entrants – which we present in its entirety here.

Take a deep breath, folks – it’s SHOCKING.

Amber Gill

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Given the lack of success the UK has had in sending its singing reality show contestants to the contest (with the obvious exception of Rylan), the BBC has decided to take another tack and just try for someone – anyone – from a reality show.

Amber Gill was one half of the now-split couple that won Love Island 2019, so the execs at the BBC are gambling that she’ll be able to win an even bigger reality competition in 2020.

Can she sing? Does it matter? The BBC are like, “We sent Daz Sampson, so we’ll try anything!”

Lorraine Kelly

I hear you now:
“Lorraine Kelly – but she’s an ITV presenter? There’s no way that the BBC would pick her.”

So you’d think, but remember – Lorraine Kelly was the official presenter for the British votes in Eurovision in 2003 and 2004. (She’s also, according to Attitude Magazine, an Honorary Gay.)

Plus, Lorraine can rock the costuming – just see below:

As to whether Lorraine can sing, remember that her melodious Scottish accent is music to the ears of every British person, which is why we trust her with our morning television.

Lorraine is rumored to be preparing an ode to her favourite bubble butt owner, Hugh Jackman. (The BBC wants to make sure it has a lock on votes from Australia.)

Olivia Colman

Miss Olivia kills at comedy. Just watch her in That Mitchell and Webb look.

And this queen has been a literal Queen TWICE – and won the goddamn Oscar for it too!

But did you know she can sing?

HOT DAMN OLIVIA COLMAN!

Look, everyone loves her. She knows her way around a Bond theme. And if things go badly, she’ll just turn on that British self-deprecation charm and win the thing.

The only problem the BBC is having is clearing her filming schedule enough to allow her to enter, because in case you haven’t noticed, Olivia Colman IS! IN! EVERYTHING! She’s even doing voices on Thomas the Tank Engine!

Ed Balls

We haven’t all forgotten this, have we? THE MAN HAS MOVES.

I’ve heard rumors that his song will be called “Ed Balls (Ed Balls)”, and he will be performing with DJ Nona.

Imagine Scooch with more obvious innuendo, and you have it.

Taylor Swift

Didn’t you all listen to London Boy?

That’s right. Despite being the subject of a documentary titled “Miss Americana,” Taylor Swift is a Londoner now, born and bred, through and through.

Clearly, there’s no better representative of this country than an artist with a proven track record of solid hits AND bulletproof knowledge of London Landmarks.

If you thought Alma strutting in front of an Eiffel Tower was something, wait till you see Taylor strumming her guitar in the middle of Highgate. Electrifying!

So, when one of these artistes is announced as the official BBC representative, remember – you read it here first, at the crack investigative blog dudepoints!

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