San Remo is Removating Me!

This year, having built up my stamina as a Eurovision fan, I decided to go full San Remo. (At least as far as one can go when one is also holding down a full-time, 9-5 job.) And BOY, has it been worth it.

We’ve had the Staircase of Doom, a videogame-like obstacle that all players must pass before they can progress to the challenge of actually singing.

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We’ve had the inexplicable interviews (a lady who is a journalist whose writing has appeared in the New York Times? I don’t know – I don’t speak Italian) – and part of the fun is figuring out what’s going on based on context clues, which is especially great when the context clues are things like this:

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And, of course, we have had SOOOOOOOOOONGS!

Now, I find that about half of the songs in San Remo are not to my taste (which was described recently as ‘too narrow’). As someone with anxiety issues, I feel like many of the contestants are yelling at me.

But the entries that aren’t yelling at me? Those, dear readers, those are SUBLIME. 

The evening started with a complete banger of a song I don’t understand in the slightest called Tsunami, performed by a bunch of French cosplayers lead by Todd from Bojack Horseman.

I mean, tell me that you don’t see the resemblance:
But one thing stills can’t capture is the amazing eyebrow choreography that is going on here:
And I have to love a band that knows its way around a keyboard:
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The next act to catch my fancy was Rita Pavone, with a song titled Niente (Resilienza 74) because she is 74 years old and GODDAMN resilient:
This is a woman who appeared on the Ed Sullivan show, sang with Diana Ross and the Supremes, knew Frank Sinatra and Elvis, and she is still KILLING IT on the San Remo stage. There’s a real chance that this could go all the way!
The song that impressed me most, however, was Achille Lauro’s Me Ne Frego.
Because I am An Old, the Achille Lauro I know was the cruise ship that was hijacked, resulting in the death of Leon Klinghoffer (which inspired a really amazing opera by John Adams.)
So I was really surprised when this sassy mix of Soundcloud rapper and Bowie trickster took the stage. His song is amazing, but his stage presence is OUTSTANDING. The costume reveal? The flirtation with the guitarist? The very prominent genitalia? I LOVE IT ALL. 
On twitter, Eurovision Apocalypse reported that it was based on St. Francis of Assisi, and as someone who owned the Marvel comics version of St. Frances of Assisi’s life, I can 100% corroborate that this is true. HE IS SAINT FRANCIS OF OH SASSY. 
And then we had Elodie, a fan favourite with a banger titled Andromeda:
Is this a banger? YES! Do I jump every time the weird screams pop up in the background? ALSO YES! But I guess when you’re sailing through the galaxy, you have to make some compromises!
Okay, gotta run because San Remo night two has already started and if I don’t tune in to watch over the next ninety minutes I might miss the very first song. 

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