SCOOP: The Vatican announces their Eurovision entry

For weeks now I’ve been working my sources in the Church trying to figure out if, as rumours had it, the Vatican would actually be sending an entry to Eurovision this year.

Finally, a few days ago, I got a phone call from a nun friend.”You didn’t hear this from me,” she said. “But if you call the Vatican press office and ask, I think they might have something for you.”

So I called,but the person I got on the phone gruffly said, “No English! Only Latin!” and hung up.

So I called again.

“Quis est Vatican mitto ad Eurovision?” I asked.

There was a gasp on the other end of the line.

“Quomodo autem hoc discis?” (How did you hear about this?”

“Habeo auctores,” I replied. (I have my sources.)

“Est Sanctus John Newman!” (It is Saint John Newman!)

“Tenere telephono! Sanctus John Neumann?” (Hold the phone! Saint John Neumann?)

“Id est.” (That it is)

“Non Sanctus John Henry Newman?” (Not Saint John Henry Newman?”

“Confusione non est. Sanctus John Neumann est.” (There is not confusion. It is Saint John Neumann.)

“Sed quodmodo?” (But how? I would have added more but I couldn’t remember how to say “He’s been dead for over 150 years.”)

“Jesus Christus viam invenient.” (Jesus Christ will find a way).

And then the line went dead.

So we have confirmation that the Vatican will be a new entry to Eurovision 2020, sending Saint John Neumann, an American (originally from the Czech Republic, so calm down) who has been dead since 1860. The staging will be done by Jesus Christ. I expect that it will involve a hologram or something, since he’s been dead since 1860, but we’ll just have to wait to find out!

Exciting news to drop on Ash Wednesday, though! Thanks, Pope Francis!

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