Violent Thing is a great song but a horrible title so let’s change it

So yesterday, Germany announced its Eurovision entry in a claustrophic screening room, preceded by powerpoint slides and pie charts and interviews with various German ESC officials. There was even a side trip to London at some point.

(First of all, the question that was not addressed at any point in the past 24 hours: Who is B-OK? Because that is a GREAT stage name.)

What we got was the absolutely adorable Ben Dovic singing a song titled Violent Thing. And despite the name, the only thing violent about Violent Thing is that it slaps SO HARD.

Seriously, this song is as cuddly as a teddy bear. Despite his serial killer haircut, Ben Dovic gives off about as a much menace as a cinnamon roll. (Maybe he’s the snack that KEiiNO is talking about in Black Leather?) I felt that S!sters would shiv me without a second of remorse in their song of female empowerment, but Ben? Awwww. I just want to shower him with bomber jackets and Nintendo Switch consoles. (Remember, I am Eurovision Certified OLD).

But despite the fact that I’ve had this song on repeat for the past hour, I am still at a complete loss as to what the Violent Thing is here. Read the lyrics and tell me you aren’t confused as well.

Is it his devious love interest? Doubtful, because they’re clearly in a close relationship with their mother.

Is the violent thing the love that he feels for this person? No, because he’s still working on love.

Could it be a reference to BDSM? I mean, I guess? But it also seems like they’re in a dance club? Unless this is some sort of public control thing? I’M SO CONFUSED!

So I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out things to sing instead of Violent Thing, including:

Such a violet thing (club lights,natch)

Such a smiling thing (Ben Dovic generally)

Such a violin thing (Are they buried in the mix somewhere?)

Such a viking thing (Look, I still miss Rein Alexander)

Such a Vodaphone thing (It doesn’t scan but Germany needs the sponsorship money)

Such a filing thing (Because we all know that this is going to be played in offices to enliven mind-numbing tasks)

I don’t know – what are your ideas? We’ve got a couple of weeks until the HoD meeting, and I’m sure we can get Germany to change this to something more suited to the artist, right?

Anyway, I STAN Germany’s Ben Ingrosso.

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