So today, Eurovision announced the semifinal running orders for the May show, which is exciting because it makes it feel like EUROVISION IS REALLY HAPPENING, Y’ALL!
But what you may not know is that there’s a reason Eurovision laid out its semifinal 2 running order the way it did.
It’s currently really difficult to arrange cross-Atlantic travel, especially if someone is coming from a pandemic-riddled state that is taking absolutely zero precautions. You know, a state like Florida.
Eurovision officials did not think it was worth the risk to bring noted Floridian Flo Rida over to Rotterdam for a thirty-second rap. The cost of the rapid PCR tests alone was astronomical. So in order to offset the cost of the trip (not Offset from Quavo, mind), Eurovision announced that Flo Rida would be doing a guest verse on EVERY SONG in semifinal 2.
And guess what! We’ve got an exclusive preview of his lyrics for each song!
San Marino: You already know what he’s going to sing here.
Estonia: FLO RIDA UKU PRETTY LITTLE LIARS Y’ALL
This lucky one’s a white boy summer*/ But with me not Chet Haze so that’s a bummer/ Bae left him in the dust and his heart grew colder/ Shoulda deployed that Koit Toome smolder/ I’m sorry for this man but I’ll let him yell/ While I scope out Tartu’s clubs with my friends Redel
Czech Republic: FLO RIDA BENNY CRISTO THIS CHURCH IS OPEN!
OH MY LORD watch my brother Benny’s flow/ It’s the second coming of Jesus Cristo/ Never knew that there were cats this cool in Prague/ So just kiss him girl he’s a prince not frog
Greece: FLO RIDA STEF ANIA BREAK OUT THAT OUZO
Holy shit girl that horse got wings/ How’d you get it to fly like that/ No seriously, is this just a European thing? Like, can I get one of these in Florida? I got a couple of white tiger cubs that I could trade you for it. / Oh shit I’m doing a verse here/ AND that’s how you shimmy to her last dance
Austria: FLO RIDA VINCENT BUENOS DIAS MUCHO GUSTO
Know what you’re thinking don’t clean your ears/ Eurovision Two One is a two song year/ Yeah the titles are the same but the lyrics are not/ This one doesn’t have any gospel where it ought/ Will Jesus mind? Well the Christ is Risen/ But Warriors these ain’t and Lord’s not forgivin’
Poland: FLO RIDA RYAN GOSLING WE’RE ON THE ROAD NOW
Flo Rida/ Low Rider/ Customized with neon fire/ Insider her/ The driver/ Slides sunglasses ever higher/ With the gas we got in this tank/ We gonna be flying from here to Gdansk
Moldova: FLO RIDA KIRKOROV OOPS NATALIA
Girl your candy sent me to the dentist, and that’s not covered by American health insurance, y’all! Do you know how much fillings cost? That’s why I’m wearing this grill, because it’s cheaper than getting my actual teeth fixed. Also, let’s hear it for my DI A BEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEES
Iceland: FLO RIDA LIKE A VOLCANO
Oh, damn, I can’t pronounce any of your names. This is some Game of Thrones alphabet shit here. It’s like Jon Snow stabbed your name in the middle of one of the ds. Anyway, 10 years! That’s some true love. Mazel tov!
Serbia: FLO RIDA SER BIA WE GOT THEM LA BIAS
Wait, your song is called Hurricane? Aw hell no. I’m from Florida. We know it’s Loco Loco to trifle with hurricane. I’m going inland, ladies. Catch you at the Valdosta Homewood Suites where we can all watch the Weather Channel over that complimentary hot buffet breakfast, y’all.
Georgia: FLO RIDA GEORGIA ALABAMA WHERE YOU AT
Awww, this song is kind of sweet. I’m tearin’ up here. So much emotion! Good on you, man. You show us that heart. *breaks down into sobs* Give me five. I’ll be okay
Albania: FLO RIDA GOT THE GOOD KARMA, YEAH
<<This verse is, by request of Anxhela Peristeri, all in Albanian, and I haven’t found anyone to translate it yet.>>
Portugal: FLO RIDA BLACK MAMBA
Boa Noite? No boa constrictor!/ Reptiles here to complete the picture/ All these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking stage *gets bitten and is taken off by medics
Bulgaria: *faintly* FLO RIDA I’M OLD Y’ALL
The rest of Flo Rida’s verse is muffled because he’s being treated for that live snakebite. However, Flo Rida continues to perform – even if it’s just the parademics hearing him – because he’s that kind of a professional
Finand: FLO RIDA BLIND CHANNEL TAKING Y’ALL TO HELL…..SINKI
Put those middle fingers up wave them in the air/ And then tell me how much you’re putting in that IRA-ya/ If you want to keep living on the dark side/ You better make sure you got enough to retire
Latvia: FLO RIDA SAMANTA TINA TURNTER Y’ALL
QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN/ She’s THAT bitch/ QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNN (seriously you think anyone can add something extra to a Samanta Tina song?)
Switzerland: FLO RIDA SWISS CHOCOLATE TIME
Stop cryin’ Gjon/ Go on, dry those tears/ I don’t speak French/ But I know your fears/ Losing that coif for a shiny dome/ But bald is beautiful now shine my chrome
Denmark: FLO RIDA CHERRY DANISH NEED SOME SUGAR THIS SHOW IS LOOOOOONG Y’ALL
They’re the fire, I’m the flame/ Together we makin’ this club insane/ Turn the bass up want to hear you streama/ And don’t forget to vote for Senhit’s Adrenalina
*Look, I’m not one to explain the joke, but I do think it’s important to note that ‘Suviste’ in Estonian translates to ‘summer’ in English