Tonight! It’s the Eurovision final! And yes, Eurovision watcher, it’s going to be a fun night! But not really! Because after tonight, the season is over for another year (actually about six months) and I have to face a world without daily excuses to gush about this guy:

Luca D’Amelio

I’ve been spending the past few days doing a super-sekret squirrel thing that I will yell about a little more in a few months, so have been low on time to obsess about Eurovision, but here’s what the locals broadly need to know for tonight:

  1. It’s not a lock for Ukraine: Yes, they are running at 60% chance of winning in polls. But this week, the juries and public have shown a strong preference for ballads, especially ballads sung by sadbois. That’s the begining of Ukraine, but then they shift into a high-energy Ukrainian rap. The entry is fantastic, but will it translate? MAYBE NOT.
  2. No one cares about UK politics: The UK entry is tipped to do well, and you know why? It’s because the BBC chose an engaging artist with an existing Tik Tok fanbase, got behind the song, did a promotional tour, and put money into the staging. This year, they didn’t half ass it. And that’s why the UK is soaring in the odds, not because they’ve forgiven us for Brexit, or because BoJo did a tour of Ukraine, or anything else. And if Ukraine wins over the UK, don”t you DARE say “Well, we would have won if it we’re for the sympathy vote.” First of all, that’s not true (see above) and secondly, what an absolutely shitty take when people are dying.
  3. Dance when you can, because there’s not a lot of dancing: As noted above, a lot of the bangers were knocked out in the semifinals. And the poor broadcaster have had to try and programme in an entertaining show with a lot of dirge and complicated set changes. Which also means there is a lot of filler. If you need a LONG pee break, go during sounds 4/5 (Finland and Switzerland) or 15/16 (Azerbaijan and Belgium)
  4. You’re not as funny as you think you are: Ha ha, you made a Meghan Markle joke! Ha ha, Norway reminds you of Minions! Ha ha, Lithuania has a bowl cut! Look, the Eurofan community has been obsessively picking these acts apart for months. In fact, we have a Eurovision Iceberg of references that measures how deep one is – e.g whether or not you can Dennis Miller the shit out of the Grand Final. (That deep cut reference is probably lost on many of you.) Any joke you can make has probably been made, and made better. So please, tweet along, but know that your dunks are more like granny shots.
  5. You’re not as funny as you think you are, part II: Look, we know you love to tune into Eurovision to make fun of all the contestants and the music. But the truth is that these artists have been through the grinder in the past few weeks and deserve some respect. They’ve performed their stage show about 10 times over the past week, in between interviews and fan appearances and EBU Tik Tok moments. No matter how awful you think they are, it doesn’t matter, because they’ve made it to Eurovision and have performed in front of a billion people. When was the last time YOU did that?
  6. Check in on your Eurofan friends: When I say check in on your friends, I don’t mean ask them if they are watching (no duh we are) or who we think is going to win (it’s complicated; there’s a lot of context required; you don’t want to hear a disseration) or if we’re happy with the result (if we are, we’ll tell you). A simple “Hey! Checking in! Are you okay!” is appreciated – because while we’re excited to know what country we’ll be visiting next year, we’re also probably very sad about Europe rejecting some of the people we’ve been listening to obsessively over the past few months. Eurovision is a happy night, but it’s also a sad night, and in about two weeks, we’re going to be absolutely morose. We’ll need you then.

I’m hoping to get a more detailed post in before tonight but if not, please enjoy!

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