Austria – Nobody but You


The first time I heard Cesar Sampson, I thought it was pleasant, but a little derivative – after all, how many times can you have your artists running up snow-covered mountains, Austria?

I take it all back now. Austria, I’m sorry. Please, give us as much Cesar Sampson as you possibly can, because he’s a giant cinnamon roll of a Eurovision entry and I want to buy him ice cream to cheer him up.

Cesar Sampson delivers an upbeat ballad that is unexpectedly fiery in person. Part of that is due to Sampson’s booming voice, which fills Altice Arena with ease. And part of that is due to Sampson’s physique. When he sings, ‘Ain’t nobody but you I can hold on to,’ I think, ‘Look, with those biceps, you could hold on to pretty much anything you want.’

Unfortunately, Sampson’s stage performance is unlike his video, in that he wears a sweater with an actual collar, not something that looks like it was ripped off by Austrian wolves in the mountains in a bid to expose Sampson’s impressive shoulders. (The wolves wouldn’t eat him, okay? He’s just too sweetly innocent to hurt.)

The one thing that worries me about this performance is that it starts from literal great heights. Sampson is elevated about twenty feet above the stage on a platform that looks like it came directly from a Star Wars set. I know he’s hooked in for safety, but it awakens yet another layer of protectiveness in my heart. Don’t fall, Cesar Sampson! My biceps are not so big as to catch you without both of us getting hurt!

TWITTER JOKES YOU SHOULDN’T BOTHER MAKING BECAUSE THEY’VE ALREADY BEEN DONE BETTER BY THE EUROFANDOM: Nobody makes fun of Cesar Sampson because he’s just too nice. We’re not monsters (well, except in the Saara Aalto sense.)

SHOULD YOU TAKE A PEE BREAK DURING HIS PERFORMANCE: And miss those sad soulful eyes that look at you like a puppy dog? Your loss.

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