Dudepoints Presents: The Investigations Desk

After some initial promising entries, I’ve been bemoaning the lack of bangers in Eurovision 2019, but with a recent glut of entries, I thought it was time to revisit the important question for all Eurovision entries: Can I Dance to It?

Spain: La Venda – Yes. Very much Yes. I’ve accidentally bumped into people while dancing to this in public (and by public I mean public transport, not like a club). 100% certified banger.

France: Roi – No. This is a song designed to be belted in your mirror with a hairbrush. It bangs, but you can’t dance to it.

Czechia: Friend of a Friend – As Jamala demonstrated, this song is indeed danceable. It’s not about elegant dancing, more like pogo-ing on the floor, but it counts.

UK: Bigger than Us – I completely forgot this on my initial go-around because it’s not on Spotify but no. Nice background music for waffles, but certainly not a dance banger.

Australia: Zero Gravity – I like this song a lot. It’s even got a heavy beat that comes in at 1:15 and lasts for about 30 seconds, but it’s not danceable. I mean, modern dance, yes, but it’s not like any of us are regularly Martha Graham-ing it up in public, right? For all practical purposes, not danceable.

Italy: Soldi – Danceable! Highly danceable! I know that many of you might be saying, “But it’s a slow song” and my response to that is “HANDCLAPS.” Mahmoud has delivered unto us a song with an easy to learn choreography that virtually anyone can do, and we should thank him for this gift.

Estonia: Storm – No. Maybe some dads would nod along to this while driving their SUVs along some gravel road in an attempt to reclaim a misguided sense of manliness, but a head bob does not a dance make. (Just for the record, neither does swaying while waving a lighter, which is another thing that this song cries out for.)

Slovenia: Sebi – Oooooh, this is tough. It’s full of electronic pops and clicks, indicating a dance beat, but the vocals are just…so….calming. In the end, no. This song is not made for dancing. Rather, it’s the soundtrack for staring into your soulmate’s eyes for hours on end. (Also – you’re going to break up 7 months from now. Just calling it like I see it!)

Latvia: That Night – Nope. Swaying around a campfire, yes, but dancing no.

Montenegro: Heaven – The only dancing happening to this is the swaying and shuffling of an awkward college acapella band. Despite the weird electronic squawks in the middle of this song, I can’t imagine anyone dancing to this because everyone who hears it is too busy thinking, “Did Montenegro send an entire Eurovision entry that’s based on a cheesy pickup line?”

<strongRomania: On A Sunday – Ester Peony’s song IS danceable, but only under a controlled set of conditions – namely, after a breakup, in one’s underwear, and with a pint of ice cream in one hand. (The pint of ice cream can be substituted for wine being drunk out of a mug.)

Croatia: Dream – You know what I dream, Roko? That someone would remix this so that a half-dressed cut man wearing angel wings and a speedo in a go-go cage at a club could go to town on this song. That’s MY dream, Roko. Until that happens, no danceability.

Hungary: Az En Apam – Nope. If you give me a milk jug to smack on, I’ll create a beat, but no one is dancing to this song.

Denmark: Love Is Forever – Not danceable. Not even if you’re overlaying this over a montage of falling in love scenes in a romcom that involve dancing. Not even if you’re on ice skates, Leonora. (Also, who makes their friends sit out in the cold just to watch you ice skate? Love may be forever, but that’s just testing its boundaries.)

Belgium: Wake Up – It’s chill, and Eliot still sounds a little too much like Sting, but it’s danceable. I’ve run some scientific tests on this and found that yes, my hips did move to the beat despite any attempts to keep them still.

Norway: Spirit in the Sky – It’s a banger, but it also starts slow. Can you really dance to this? The answer is yes, if everyone in the club freezes and sings along with Tom Hugo’s opening. After that bit, there’s enough beat to get everyone bopping, and then once Fred comes in with the joik, it’s going to be carnage on the dance floor because this song BANGS.

Moldova: Stay – I almost forgot about this song. No. Not danceable. Not even by the singer, who should only perform this from a stationary position directly in front of a wind machine. She is allowed to vaguely gesture with her arms, and perhaps bend at the knees when hitting a high note, but no other movement is allowed.

Iceland: Hatrid Mun Sigra – Yes, 100 percent danceable. Good news for people who aren’t comfortable on the dance floor – you can just find a partner who will put you on a leash and tell you exactly what dance moves to do, so the pressure is off.

Finland: Look Away
I mean, it’s a Darude song, so it should be danceable, right? I guess so, but nothing resembling a good beat even shows up until 50 seconds into the song. I guess people who regularly go to Ibiza will know what to do with this one, so just follow them.

Portugal: Telemoveis
Oh, this is danceable. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but try listening to this without moving a single part of your body. You can’t, right? I’m listening to it right now and doing a shoulder shimmy on a packed train. Certified platinum banger here!

Georgia: Sul Tsin Iare (Go Ahead)
Go ahead and record a new version of this which is just Oto’s growly voice over a dance beat, okay? That would be much appreciated. Not remotely danceable in its current form.

Cyprus: Replay
So much dance! Cyprus knows that bangers work for them and please, Cyprus, I will keep buying this formula from you for years and years and years. Moar please.

Greece: Better Love – Better not love dancing, because when this song comes on, you’ll be compelled to vaguely sway like a flower in the wind (or a person at a Florence and the Machine concert) but no one’s really dancing to this.

So with four days left to submit music, we have ten songs out of 23 (really, 9.5 because that Darude song never quite kicks in the way we want it to) that are danceable. Which is a much higher percentage than I was expecting, and yet, still, LESS THAN HALF.

That means a majority of songs in Eurovision 2019 are not danceable.

Russia? San Marino? North Macedonia? Switzerland? Ireland? Other countries I’ve forgotten because I only think about them during Eurovision time? You know what you need to do. Let’s focus on raising that danceable percentage to a FULL HALF of the songs going to 2019 Eurovision. Otherwise, the only thing people will have to do at Eurovision parties is make fun of the outfits, and with so many male ballads going this year, even that doesn’t look promising.

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