A List of Reasons I Should Hate Armenia’s Entry (because I inexplicably LOVE it)

When I watched the playback of entries from Depi Evratesil on Saturday night, I was not impressed by Athena Manoukian’s entry, Chains on You.

“That won?” I thought. “That’s a hot mess of a performance. It’s sub-Beyonce choreography, it’s pitchy, and there’s not much to the song aside from that hook.”

Cut to three days later, when I am spending all waking hours keeping my diamonds on you.

Athena Manoukian, you certainly have your chains in me. Your songs haunts me. I have it on repeat on Spotify, and can easily listen to it 20 times in a row without tiring of it. And if I ever met you in person, I’d probably say, “And of course, hurt me.” (Or, in more familiar slang, step on my neck with those over-the-knee boots, Athena Manoukian.)

I do all of this with the clear knowledge that this is NOT a good song. If I were to compare it to the artistry of many of the entries in this year’s Eurovision, it would pale in comparison. Juries would savage this entire package. And yet.

And yet!

It is the one song I find myself returning to over and over. At work. In the grocery store. On the train. The one constant thread running through my head is “Chains on chains on you

So in order to get over this, I’ve decided to create a clear list of reasons Why I Should Hate Armenia’s Entry:

  1. Despite having several boys dancing around her, no chains are ever put on them. FALSE ADVERTISING
  2. And if Athena has diamonds on her, they are certainly the lowest quality, for they barely appear to be shining on her at all. More bling is required to make this claim.
  3. The verses contain many words that my mind tells me should be one thing, according to a conventional rhyme scheme, but are very much not what I am hearing.
  4. Look, I’m no expert on BDSM relationships, but I’m worried that Athena Manoukian isn’t either. She appears to be a switch, threatening to put chains on her lover, but then also asking him to hurt her. But how is this going to work, logistically? He’s chained up! How is he going to hurt you? Rub diamonds into your skin? Also, you really need a safe word that both of you can understand.
  5. Even without that, what is with these lyrics (which I haven’t looked up at all, but have heard about 10 million times at this point):

“I’m gutted/you want to take me to a party /Cause you’re naughty/well let me tell you a kind of story” 

“Yeah I started/I’m naked/I ride it/I’m wicked/ Don’t like it?/ I’m gonna ignore.”

Again with the flouting of BDSM principles! Look, if your partner doesn’t like it and uses the safeword, it’s up to you to NOT ignore that and release them from the chains you have on them. I don’t care how naughty you feel.

Athena, love, you have an amazing song. You have time to work on your enunciation. But most of all, you have the chance to turn this into a grand sex-positive learning moment if only you had someone to give you the ins and outs of a proper dom-sub relationship. Perhaps you should consult with Erika Vikman in Finland?

 

 

 

 

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