WOW WE COULD ALL BE DRUNK IN ROTTERDAM RIGHT NOW WEEK CONTINUES (Places 20 to 11)

Am I bitter?

Look, I know that the headline for this post SOUNDS bitter, but I’m not really. I’m just shaking off the FOMO I got from my past self, as someone (my phone) decided to send me this reminder of where I was last year at this time:

darude

Yeah, that’s right. Screaming at the top of my lungs to a cheeky Sandstorm.

BUT ANYWAY there is so much to look forward to over the next few days, like
– crying my eyes out to SuRie’s concert!
– crying my eyes out to Diodato’s performance of Fai Rumore!
– crying my eyes out at Mans Zelmerlow on Pointless!

And you didn’t come here for crying. You came here to figure out what exactly I like in Eurovision 2020 music (*spoiler* it bangs *not a spoiler* you read this blog you should know that already)

20th place: Estonia (Uku Suviste, What Love Is)

LOOK, I KNOW.

Yes, this is the song that every other Eurofan has put in 41st place.

It’s hackneyed. It’s cheesy. It’s very much 2002.

The heart wants what the heart wants, okay?

And if what the heart wants is to see Uku Suviste and Tom Leeb meet in real life and become gym buddies, then WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE?

19th place: Denmark (Ben and Tan, Yes)

Okay, not to get all sappy here, but the first time I heard Ben & Tan’s Yes it reminded me of the last time I fell in love – that exuberance, that rush of feeling, the need to say inappropriate things in public. It’s rare that feeling can be captured in a song, let along a three-minute one designed for Eurovision, but Ben and Tan did it.

Now watch it get ruined by promposals.

18th place: Sweden (The Mamas, Move)

In the before times, I attended the first heat of Melodifestivalen, which was opened by the Mamas. And as soon as I saw them perform, I think I knew, somewhere in my heart of hearts, that they would win the whole shebang. (I had flown to Sweden to see Felix Sandman, so I was still in a lot of denial at that point.)

And it’s still a good song that’s worthy of winning Melfest. And it’s still an absolute travesty that Christer Bjorkman won’t give them an automatic pass to Eurovision 2021. But this has been an entry that’s faded over time for me – not because it’s great, but because the opporutnities to fall in love with their live performance again and again just weren’t available this year.

17th place: Russia (Little Big, Uno)

I love this song. It’s catchy, it’s goofy, it’s very…non-Russian. So why is it so low? The purported homophobia of its lead singer, who made a video of himself wandering through a Pride festival making anti-gay jokes. Some people have noted that it was his attempt at a parody of homophobes, but parodies still have to be funny. So some points marked off for that, but not totally marked off, because there’s that woman in the silver jumpsuit who will murder me in my sleep and I am FINE with that.

16th place: Israel (Eden Alene, Feker Libi)

WOW. Just…wow. Eden Alene is the TOTAL package. She sings, she dances, she casually drops multiple languages in a single song. And the best thing is that this was only one of the bangers that she dropped on us earlier this year in an internal selection process. Indeed, the only ding against Eden Alene is that I do not think I can take the Israeli heat in May for another contest. You know why I stayed out all night dancing? Because it was too hot during the day to do anything else!

15th place: Ireland (Lesley Roy, Story of My Life)

I know this ranking is correct because I did it with the Mr. Gerbear sorter last week, but in my mind, this song should be much much higher. When I first heard it, I thought Ireland was sending over a 2010s girl pop leftover. And now? Sure, it may be a 2010 girl pop leftover, but even a leftover is still better than most regular music. Add to the fact that Lesley Roy is one of the most charming artists of Eurovision 2020, giving us her all during home concerts and jumping on Zoom calls with Eurofans, and I’m now yelling at myself for underestimating this as recently as last week.

14th place: Lithuania (The Roop, On Fire)

If pressed, I will admit I love this song. I will admit I do the chicken dance move in the privacy of my own home. I love a song that talks about getting old and still being strange and wanting to do things, because I identify with that a lot. But after Lithuania had such an absolutely strong final, I can’t help but qualify my love of Lithuania with a big,”But what if”? (Yes, that’s on me, not on The Roop, but it’s my blog, so I don’t have to rationalise it.)

13th place: Greece (Stefania, Supergirl)

Would Stefania’s CW teen drama about a supernatural teen who does good acts around her neighborhood while also trying to juggle a relationship with the cutest boy at school be appointment viewing? ABSOLUTELY! Is her song about that drama as good? No, but that’s because it leaves me wanting MORE. Netflix, use some of that sweet Eurovision moolah to commission this series. I’m happy to write it, as long as you can get Tom Leeb to make appearances as the very handsome werewolf who helps Stefania get to grips with her new powers (in a non-icky way, folks – Tom Leeb is totally going to be in a love triangle with the self-hating vampire Uku Suviste.)

12th place: Ukraine (Go_A,Solovey)

White noise is a genre that we need more of at Eurovision and when that white noise is sung by a woman who looks like she wants to cut out my liver and feed it to the wolves? That just elevates the genre to its rightful place at the top tier of Badass Bitch music. Since this was released, Go_A also did a cover of Dancing Lasha Tumbai which instantly became the definitive way that the song should be performed for all time (watch the last Eurovision Home Concert for the footage)

11th place: Czech Republic (Benny Cristo, Kemama)

Awwww, Benny Cristo is a genuine cinnamon roll. He’s worried so much about pleasing the fans this season and yet he has come with a fresh and original song that actually reflects what tons of Europeans are listening to. I’m glad he’s going to come back for 2021.

OH MY GOD IT’S ACTUAL EUROVISION DAY and like most actual Eurovision Days I find myself with SO MUCH to do. At least I’m not trying to sew the finishing touches on a flag dress this year in my hotel room!

Anyway, tune back in later today for my top 10, which should be completely obvious.

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