Yes it’s Eurovision day and in a way this day is the worse day of the year. Not because of lockdown, but because the past five months have been leading up to this and then it’s all over. Nothing but post-Eurovision depression when everyone else is getting hyped up about the summer. So in way, the great thing about the virtual community this year is that everyone will keep doing stuff throughout lockdown, because Eurovision seems like a bit of an arbitrary deadline rather than a full stop. So thank you all for that.
BUT if this were a real year, I’d likely be disappointed when some song with amazing staging came out of nowhere and pipped my favuorite to the post, instead of me being able to eternally insist that my winner would actually win.
So here’s my top 10!
10th place: France (Tom Leeb, You Are the Best in Me)
Okay, so I refuse to acknowledge the revamp of this song, which may be why this song is so high on my ranking list. Because if you think about it, this song is the biggest and best “Fuck you, we don’t care what you think” since Achille Lauro and Boss Doms came into Sam Remo to capture my heart. France gets a song from Swedish writers, hires an incredibly handsome man to sing it, and rents out the Eiffel Tower to debut it? That is BIG DICK ENERGY. That is some SWAGGER.
The fact that France backed down and added more French and did a revamp after some criticism? COWARDS. You had something that was perfect and you ruined it to appease your Culture Minister.
9th place: Malta (Destiny, All of My Love)
Okay, first of all, I’m going to need to hire this VO artist to just follow me around and narrate what I’m doing everyday.
Secondly, we all know that Destiny won Junior Eurovision, but her real destiny is to win the big show because THAT VOICE! And also we’re due a fun vacation in Malta.
8th place: Azerbaijan (Efendi, Cleopatra)
The historian in me cringes at the inaccuracies in this song – like why is Japanese showing up in a song about an Egyptian queen. But the slut-dropper in me is jumping up and down with joy. This song is a BANGER. I apologise to everyone who I doubted when they were talking it up before it was released, because the way Efendi ROLLS those Rrrrrrs makes me wish I were in her mouth.
7th place: San Marino (Senhit, Freaky)
Look, do I have an irrational soft spot for San Marino? Yes! They have a population that is roughly 1/10 of the London borough in which I live, and yet manage to send a banging act to Eurovision each year. This year, they got Senhit to send a message that is destined to scorch up the dance floors all over Europe, and I love it!
6th place: Netherlands (Jeangu Mcrooy, Grow)
For us olds in Eurovision, this is, well, it is our anthem. And it makes me sob. Plus, the way it just builds and then stops when we want it to keep going? Jeangu makes us want more. I totally believe this would have won the jury, and could have resulted in a twopeat for Netherlands.
5th place: Belarus (Val, Da Vidna)
If the season had been longer, more people would be completely into this song. Everyone totally overlooked the cute backup dancer doing the death drop.And watching the Eurovision Home Concerts, it’s been fascinating to see how Val have been so versatile, bringing new life to the song from their sofa. I really hope Belarus sends them next year!
4th place: Germany (Ben Dolic, Violent Thing)
Awwww! Germany coming in with a banger from Baby Ben Dolic! His club is the tamest looking one that I think exists in Germany, and I doubt that he has had any secrets from a Mama (his? yours? doesn’t matter). All that matters is that this song makes me get up and DANCE, which is something very rare for Germany as of late.
3rd place: Latvia (Samanta Tina, Still Breathing)
ALL HAIL THE CHAOS QUEEN.
There is SO MUCH going on in this song:
1. Most of it isn’t actually sung by Samanta
2: That drop
3: Rapping
4: Choreography not needed
5; WHO BRINGS CLEANING PRODUCTS TO THE MAIN STAGE?
In short, we love her.
2nd place: Armenia (Athena Manoukian, Chains on You)
This song is complete trash. A pile of hot steaming garbage. And I am jumping into the dumpster and wallowing around in it. I LOVE THIS SO SO SO SO MUCH!
1st place: Iceland (Dadi Freyr, Think about Things)
Longtime readers of this blog will know that it pretty much started after I went to Iceland to see Dadi Freyr in 2017, so it’s not much of a mystery as to why he’s my number one. I’ve owned his sweatshirt for years, and was so excited to finally get a chance to wear it, but…but…well you know.
And that’s it! Do you agree? I’m sure you don’t, so make sure to bug me afterwards on Twitter at dudepoints!
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