It’s the bromance we’ll never have…
[We open in sunny Rotterdam, where tulips line the streets, and zoom in on the hotel of the Eurovision delegations.
Cut to the weight room. Tom Leeb sits on a weight bench (I don’t know what these things are called, okay?) doing curls.
Uku Suviste approaches the cable machine next to Tom’s bench.)
Tom: Hey, bro.
Uku: Hey bro.
Tom: Need someone to spot you, dude?
Uku: Nah. I’m not doing anything too strenuous today, just some work on my lats. But you’re curling what, 20ks?
Tom: Yeah, it’s arm day.
Uku: Noice. (He sits down at the pulley machine and starts to…pull? Is that the technical term? Basically, he’s doing a motion that’s making all of his chest muscles look very good under his tank top.) By the way, man, I love your song. Really motivational. I listen to it when I’m doing my daily 5k.
Tom: Awww, that’s very sweet of you.
[An uncomfortable silence falls, as Tom has nothing to say about What Love Is.]
Tom: Uh, so, uh, you were Estonia’s sexiest man? What’s that like?
Uku: Oh, yeah, uh, I guess that was a while ago. I mean, it’s Estonia, so…
Tom: I don’t know. That Tanel Padar can get it.
Uku: Oh my god, the stories I could tell you!
Tom: By the way, your English is excellent.
Uku: Yeah, I studied in Boston. You?
Tom: Oh, I just naturally sound like the fourth lead on a TNT drama. It’s a side benefit of being so good looking, you know? Like, I spoke regular English and then hit puberty and BLAM! All of a sudden I’m sounding like I’m from California, you know.
Uku: Wow, that’s gotta be tough.
Tom: I know. Especially if you’re French. Now even my country’s culture minister thinks I’m some sort of plant…like an actor smuggled in from Hollywood to star in a Netflix scifi show as the hunky astronaut or something.
Uku: I know. I mean, I can’t help it if I was artificially grown in a lab from DNA harvested from the Backstreet Boys. No one in Estonia really gets me, you know.
Tom: No one in France really gets me either, the burden of being this good looking and charming and with a great voice.
Uku: Wow. That’s really deep, bro.
Tom: Yeah. Look, I gotta do another ‘set’ of ‘reps’ on my ‘circuit’ (NOTE: rewrite if these terms make no sense because god knows what people actually say in gyms) but, you know, if you have some time afterwards, you wanna go for some post-workout smoothies?
Uku. (pauses and smiles) Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.
Tom: Good, because I have so many questions about where you get those really tight henley shirts.
(Look, I said it was fanfiction. I didn’t say it was GOOD fanfiction)s