Yes, yes, yes, I know that I’m being inconsistent with my titles but I can’t fit the full name of Finland’s in the header without making the site look even more awful than it does, so just live with it.
Today’s matchup pits the facial hair of two Nordic dads against the smolderinging former Soviet Oto Nemsadze’s beary beard. Let’s get a brief on our contenders!
Darude ft. Sebastian Rejman
So we’ve got a double whammy of facial hair here with Finland’s favourite dads. Sebastian Rejman has a respectable three-day stubble, accentuating the cheekbones and making him look mildly rakish. It’s something you can concentrate on while he jaws away at dinner about how much he’s worried about climate change and children in poverty.
Darude, on the other hand, has made a clear and unambiguous choice with his facial hair. He has a soul patch so fruitful that it’s like a goddamn soul gospel choir underneath his bottom lip.
Look, I’ve seen interviews with Darude. He’s funny. He’s intelligent. He’s a great representative of Finland. And yet, he goes around with facial hair like he’s peacocking in 2003. (It’s a PUA term and please don’t bother to look any of it up.)
I feel like the facial hair here is designed to make Darude and Sebastian seem interesting, when they don’t need this facial hair crutch at all (well, Darude doesn’t). It’s one of the rare cases where I think that a beard may be surplus to requirements.
Of COURSE a guy named Oto is going to have a beard! I bet he popped out of the womb with some peach fuzz and his parents looked at him, shrugged, and said, ‘Guess we’ll have to name him Oto!’
This two-time Georgian Idol winner came to Eurovision with a rousing pacifist battle anthem about the importance of song and singing, looking like some sort of warrior in comfortable knits with a man bun and a serious beard.
I’d be a little worried Oto was too intense for me in real life, like he’d start singing battle anthems about fire hydrants or something as we were just walking down the street, but he’s got a beard which can clearly support that type of lifestyle.
WINNER: Despite having two beards for the price of one, Darude and Sebastian pale in comparison to the really uncomfortably intense beard of Oto Nemasadze.
But don’t take it from me – what are your thoughts? Vote below!