HEY IT’S EUROVISION SOMEWHERE WEEK! Rankings 30-21

Hello all! Despite us not going to Rotterdam, a lot of Eurovision stuff is still happening in the cultural zeitgeist, which means that YOU need to be up to date on what’s happening with Eurovision because let’s get realistic – what else are you going to be doing with your week? You’ve already binge watched Schitt’s Creek twice, and Too Hot to Handle is too dire even by the standard of reality shows. So let’s continue with rankings and introductions to keep you informed:

*INTERRUPTED BY SEVERAL DAYS OF MIGRAINES*

30th place: Moldova (Natalia Gordienko, Prison)

Moldova has some absolutely amazing entries in its national selection this year, mostly involving wine and wine so of course the Moldovans needed to pick the entry with the backing of Eurovision heavy Philip Kirkorov.

IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHO HE IS DON’T GOOGLE….

philip-kirkorov-a1081

Oh. I see you googled him.

Anyway, Kirkorov put his (heavily bejweled) thumb on the scale of the Moldovan selection and lo and behold, his song won, featuring former Eurovision contestant Natalia Gordienko.

And yet, this rates so high because it’s just. incredibly. catchy. My cats have heard my screaming “I don’t want to be with you/I don’t want to be without you” while they run from room to room because they don’t know where they want to be (hint: anywhere I’m not)

29th place: Austria (Vincent Bueno, Alive)

MICHAEL JACKSON HAS BEEN CANCELLED FOR SOME TIME NOW.

Go home, Austrian Timberlake. You’re drunk.

Also, YOU HAVE NOT EARNED THE RIGHT TO WEAR A MISFITS JACKET. Just look at you! Look at how clean-cut and boyishly handsome you are! Can you really understand the horror punk harmonies of the Misfits? Like perform Last Caress on stage live and then we’ll talk.

28th place: Portugal (Elisa, Medeo de Sentir)

This is a typically breezy ballad from Portugal that conjures up images of all the sand and surf I’m currently being denied. It’s a pleasant three minutes when it comes up on my Spotify.

And while I’m trying not to yell about what could have been, Portugal, FILIPE SAMBADO was right there:
Screenshot 2020-05-15 at 14.10.32

27th place: Spain (Blas Canto, Universo)

Blas Canto, another solo male, doing a power ballad? SNOOOZE.

But wait! Listen to that hook!

PERDONAME PERDONAME
UNI
UNIVERSO oh OH oh oh OH
oh OH oh oh OH

It’s 50% bland, but 50% what I’ve been singing in the shower every morning. I’m also probably ranking this low because Spain has been stingy with their artist this year – he’s barely had a chance to perform live.

26th place: Serbia (Hurricane, Hasta La Vista)

Yes, yes, yes, I know. This is a big and brash feminist banger sung in Serbian and by all rights, it should totally be my jam.

But there’s just something I can’t get past here. Maybe because it seems like manufactured feminism – while the lyrics are written by two women (including Sanja Vucic) the presentation seems geared toward the thigh-rubbing dad vote.

Anyway, I’m going to be slut-dropping to this at 3 AM at Euroclub, so absolutely no complaints here.

25th place: Slovenia (Ana Soklic, Voda)

THAT VOICE!

THAT VOICE!

This is what Albania could have had, if they had kept Shaj as Shaj.

Ana Soklic is designed to make juries eat out of her hand. Her performance is the best of the tiny ladies with big voices this season, and has led me to make endless VOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDAAAAAAAAAfone jokes this season. (Thank you for pretending to laugh at them)

24th place: Australia (Montaigne, Don’t Break Me)

Look, this is a catchy power pop song with amazing kiss-off lyrics like:
I don’t feel the same buzz/When your name comes up on my phone anymore
and
You think that your pain is more important

I want to love it. I want to love it hard.

But Montaigne had her staging choice influenced by…Mr. Mime?
Yes, *that* Mr. Mime, who haunts the dreams of every European Pokemon Go user.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH BUT NO

(look this is my list I didn’t make any promises about being rational ok)

23rd place: Norway (Ulrikke, Attention)

Okay, so this version of Attention is in 23rd place, but earlier this week, Ulrikke dropped THIS version of Attention:

…which automatically shot to a TOP TEN position on my list. That drop!

Unfortunately, according to Eurovision rules, Ulrikke would have needed to enter Attention with the non-disco remix, so it remains mired at 23rd place.

22nd place: Finland (Aksel Kankaanranta, Looking Back)

Okay, I feel officially BAD for Aksel Kankaanratatatata. He was not the fan favourite for Finand’s competition, and people practically rioted when he won over Erika Vikman and her bears. And then the contest got cancelled before his song got any traction, but it’s good!

Aksel is shy and slightly dorky and that helps to totally deliver this song about the loss of teenage innocence. When he sings the chorus, I not only get chills, but can imagine the montage that’s unfolding in the film on which this song is being used. (It’s Beaches. Beaches, except it’s Looking Back being played instead of Wind Beneath My Wings.)

21st place: Italy (Diodato, Fai Rumore)

Would it be crass of me to suggest that COVID-19 has a favourite contestant. Of course it would be. And yet, if COVID-19 had a favourite contestant, it would be Diodato.

Diodato won San Remo in February. A few weeks later, Italy was on lockdown.

Diodato’s song, which translates to Make Noise, suddenly began showing up on Twitter videos, as Italians did mass sing alongs on their balconies to their song. And at a time when the whole world was quiet, they wanted to get back to making noise. The song became associated with the pandemic in a way that Vera Lynn’s We’ll Meet Again was associated with VE Day.

And by now? Diodato’s song has taken on so much emotion in the hearts of Eurofans that you have to just say “Fuh-”

And an entire Twitter timeline will reply with “-AI RUMORE QUI” and start sobbing.

Don’t believe me? See if you can watch this preview clip of Saturday’s Eurovision broadcast without losing it in your cornflakes:

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Okay! That’s roughly half the countries done! The top 20 coming soon!