Remember in 2018, when Fuego and Eleni Foureria’s hairography earned her a permanent spot on the ESC250? And 2019, when Tamta’s use of pyrotechnics nearly blew the roof off the arena? And 2021, when Elena Tsagrinou inspired actual protests over her love song to Satan? Cyprus was known for bringing something to the contest – and that thing was BANGERS, in both the social and musical sense.
And in 2023, Cyprus has sent Australian Andrew Lambrou with the song Break a Broken Heart:
Remember what I said above about Cyprus bringing the heat? It appears it has gotten too hot in the kitchen and Cyprus is now happy to bring a milder version of what they’ve brought in previous years.
Break a Broken Heart is using a formula that worked for previous Eurovisions – take a very pretty man with some vocal trick (here a falsetto), add a bunch of Swedish songwriters, and voila! Instant success! The only problem is that this formula doesn’t work anymore. It results in some very pleasant songs, but nothing that inspires passion or feels authentic. It’s all very by-the-numbers- pleasant by the numbers, but by the numbers nonetheless.
What makes the song even worse is that Andrew Lambrou is (inadvertently?) the villain here! He’s singing about how his heart is already broken, but he doesn’t realise that he’s the one who is doing the breaking!
How do I know this? Well, we see his girlfriend in the video. She’s showing up IN AN EMPTY ARENA to watch you practice swimming. You know who does that? Moms who have driven you to the arena, and people who are really, really into you!
Then, in the restaurant? Everything about this moment is screaming “proposal” –
- fancy restaurant
- fancy clothes
- pulling something out of his pocket
This is the look of a woman trying to school her features because she’s expecting a ring!
And when she sees a necklace? Well, I’m Team Nameless Woman Who’s Showing Up To His Swim Class! She’s clearly invested in you, bro! I don’t see other women showing up to watch you do laps! This is how you repay her?
As they would say in many reality television shows: SHE IS WIFEY MATERIAL. But you, Andrew Lambrou, thought you’d continue to string her along with a generic necklace. And now you’re the one singing about having a broken heart? Dude, if your heart were really broken you’d be sitting on your couch eating breakup pizza, not hanging out in an abandoned greenhouse jamming with your buds. As I said earlier, authenticity matters! And none of this feels in any way authentic.